TRIALS of parenthood

The Toddler Butt Butt Dance

Are all toddlers obsessed with butts or is this just something exclusive to my family? 

My kids get ready for a bath, or undressed for the day, and they feel the immediate urge to rub their butts on everything. 

Like literally, walk around my house with their butts out and rub it on my walls, chairs, towels and literally everything else butt level. 

They think it’s hilarious, and call it the “butt butt dance. “

Wtf, seriously? Where did they learn this?? 

Have I been sleep walking half-naked rubbing my butt on things around the house in front of them, and just never knew? 

Are my kids going to turn out to be huge weirdos who do “the butt butt dance” for all their friends when they get drunk at parties and end up be exiled from all their classmates? 

I hope to hell not. 

My entire house also thinks farts and poop are hilarious. This is something I will NEVER understand. 

My daughter has lost her mind because her younger brother flushed the toilet before I got to see the size of her “really big poop” 

She was upset because I would never know how big it was. 

Like, if I knew the size of it she would win some amazing award, or be my prize child. 

My sons favorite thing to do is sit on my lap and let out every fart he has been holding in for the entire day, in 30 seconds. He laughs and says out loud “I’m tooting on you, haha!!” (very diabolically)

This is exceptionally awesome when we are in public and it’s quiet and everyone hears him. 

What reaction am I supposed to have? 

“Yay! Mommy is so proud of you! Keep it up little dude,  I love breathing in crap particles.”

Speaking of which. Have you every heard a naked child fart. 

It’s as gross and loud as you would imagine. 

I’m hoping I will look back on this one day and “miss” it.   I’ll one day see the innocents that comes from kids running around the house naked. It will make me laugh to think of them trying to make mom gag the most. 

One day when my kids are teenagers and don’t want to talk to me anymore because  I make them “gag” I’ll miss these days. 

Until then, I just want to be able to pick up a towel and not think about the asses that have touched it. I want to sit on a chair and not think of all the farts its captured. Is that too much to ask?