I’m Still Growing Something.

Before you get creeped out or start looking for a gross picture of something I’m growing, I think it’s safe to say I guarantee we are NOT on the same page.

I’m talking about some “personal growth” here.

When I think about being pregnant there are many things that I thoroughly did not enjoy.

-The amount of water you should be drinking:  Is just crazy, and causes you to spend your entire day in the bathroom. There were too many situations were I actually thought I was going go pee my pants, and honestly…probably a couple times that I did,  I just blocked them out of my memories.

-The heartburn:  eating tums by the handful for some sliver of relief. I can’t even stand the smell of those chalky little a-holes anymore

-The lack of sleep: during the last few months I would tie a tennis ball to the back of my shirt when I slept so if I were to roll over onto my back I would be viciously woken up. Seriously, what kind of torture was that?!

-Not being able to drink: a pot of coffee, a 2L of pop, or hell, how about a bottle of wine?

 -Doctor appointments: seriously how many times do I have to piss in a cup, and is it really necessary to check my downstairs that often? it looks just as va-jay-jayish as it did last week.

Oops, almost forgot the most obvious part of being pregnant that i did not enjoy.

Birth.

Every single part of it.

Now on the other hand, there is the one thing, other then feeling kicks, that  I do miss about being pregnant. 

I could, and did, rock the shit out of anything..

I remember buying shoes that had no backs that were legit a straight up slipper…. but I would wear them EVERYWHERE. 

Why? Because my feet were swollen, they were comfy and I was growing a human.

I remember loving the way my big belly looked, and instead of trying to hide it I was trying to accentuate it.

Why? Because my body was doing something incredible, and it was the best reason to be fat ….and I was growing a human.

I remember saying “mmm baby wants a breakfast sandwich and ice cap from tim hortons……”

Why? Because I was eating for two,  I was friggen starving…..and I was growing a human.

I wore maternity pants during my second pregnancy WAAAAAY earlier then needed.

Why? Because they were comfy as eff, looked like normal jeans, and were “slimming.” those bad boys were the hardest thing I ever ended up getting rid of.

I never stopped to think, 

Is this shirt too tight?

Is my gut spilling over my jeans?

Do these shoes look good with these pants?

Are my pants too short?

Are my pants too tight?

Should I even be wearing pants?

I don’t remember looking in the mirror and thinking I looked fat or being unhappy with the way that I looked… and I honestly think that was the first time in my life that had ever happened.

I’ve lost 60 lbs and feel good about myself fairly often, but I’ve come to realize the more I take care of my self emotionally, the better I feel. 

I wish I could find some other “thing” to make me feel like I can rock the shit out of anything just because I want to rock the shit out of anything, and not because I’m growing a human, because, to be honest… I don’t want to grow another human. 

Confidence is something I have always lacked, but little by little I’m working on it, and just like anything I have good days and bad days. It will be something I will have to work on for the rest of my life but I WILL get there.

So in a sense…. I’m growing something still, it  just isn’t a human this time.